Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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