When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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