I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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