I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
