after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
