I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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