Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
