I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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