sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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