Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
