Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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