Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Randomize
