Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
