I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
