There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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