he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
