Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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