just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
