sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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