What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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