That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize