omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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