conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
