My friends, they love my intelligence
I am puke
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
