The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
