hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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