your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
