just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
