Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
