If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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