She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
