I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
