omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
