the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
