Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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