we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
