He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
