capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
