Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
