my sisters under your porch take her home
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
