I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
