Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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