She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
