I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
