i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
