i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize