You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
