Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
