Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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