i always forget guys have bellybuttons
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
