Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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