Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
