she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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