Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
