my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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