The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
