I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
