part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
