I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
4 words: hood of his car
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
