Plan B is the new Plan A
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
