I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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