a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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