So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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